forthsofar: (9)
Rosie Wilson ([personal profile] forthsofar) wrote2020-08-06 02:32 pm
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we were young and learning, steady hearts hate turning

Rosie takes a few days to get everything settled in her mind before she even considers bringing it up to Sabrina. All the things she wants, and the things she doesn't; what she has to have back out of the things she's given up, and everything that she's thrown aside for the better over the last year. She doesn't know if it's enough, will be enough, but she wants to try.

Nick, she thinks, might have wanted her to try. More than that, she loves Sabrina and Charlie too deeply to turn away from this. Whatever it becomes.

She and Sabrina agree to meet in the window of time between when Sabrina's finished at Leviathan and before Rosie has to go down to the restaurant in the evening. After a day or two of storms, the weather's cleared, the humidity all but gone with the rain; after getting them both drinks from a nearby cafe, it's easy for Rosie to find a mostly-dry spot of grass in the park where they can talk and enjoy the sun. That it also makes it easier for either of them to leave isn't worth thinking about, and she does her best not to.

She texts Sabrina her location, then settles down to wait, fingers fidgeting with the straw in her drink.
signed_sabrina: (Worried cheerleader.)

[personal profile] signed_sabrina 2020-08-06 07:50 pm (UTC)(link)
It's not as if life returns to normal.

It's that Sabrina has a lot of experience adjusting to a new normal, normals that shake the foundation of everything she holds dear.

No denying, in the end, that she hurts every day, that she deals with as best she can for the people she loves. In some ways, those things don't change. Her home is ridiculously supportive, and Charlie's devotion to her well-being is the main reason she's able to push herself to try. She can't let him down.

But there's still a frighteningly large area of uncertainty, one that she doesn't know how to fix. Fix isn't even the right word. She's loved Rosie more every single day since she's met her, since they huddled in a bed in a frozen hell, since they first kissed. The thought of losing that scares her, and yet, she's got no idea what to do.

So when she meets Rosie, she's made sure to put an effort into her appearance, checking her make-up and dress in the mirror before leaving work. Her heart is pounding when she joins Rosie at last, wanting very much to lean in and kiss her hello-- but she supposes she ought to wait.

"Hi," she says quietly, sitting beside her. "It's a nice day."
signed_sabrina: (Worried cheerleader.)

[personal profile] signed_sabrina 2020-08-07 04:47 am (UTC)(link)
"Thank you," she says as she takes the drink, a fruity hibiscus tea that somehow seems to have the faintest spice to it. Red, red, red. When's the last time she's been so nervous?

Sabrina knows, or at least, she's pretty sure, whatever happens needs to be on Rosie's terms, and that no matter how badly Sabrina wants to just do something about it all, that's not the right way back. Not back, she reminds herself, it's going to be forward.

A nod, at the beginning of Rosie's words, and she reaches down to tuck her hand under her own thigh to keep from reaching out, for reassurance, for support. "Okay," she says, with a solemn nod. "You're right. Things are different. And they-- they will be different." Just how, she's not sure. She makes herself take a sip of the tea. "I'm listening."
signed_sabrina: (Default)

[personal profile] signed_sabrina 2020-08-07 07:52 pm (UTC)(link)
The plan to be a more serene, thoughtful Sabrina appears to have been a good one, and though Sabrina prefers conversations like this to involve touch, she reminds herself that she does have restraint. And this is about Rosie.

She has to wonder if Rosie has any idea of the power she has here, if she chooses to use it.

Maybe that's what this is.

Sabrina bites her lip as she listens to Rosie say she hadn't considered it a proper relationship, and makes herself stay quiet against the desire to protest. Now that she's had to think about it in a way that their new situation demands, there's been plenty more realizations of how her concept of relationships, of love and sex and friendship, have shifted to something less human and mortal. She nods, saying, "I need to say this, because I don't think I did a very good job with it before. And I'm not saying that you're-- I just need you to know, whatever you decide, however you want to go, that yes, the wanting-- there was a whole lot of that. But even if I didn't say it, it was never just that you're a best friend I was, um, having sex with. I can't say I know how to define it, but I need you to know that you're just as individually precious to me as the boys." She breathes out. "Sorry. I just. I wanted to make sure I said that. Keep going."

signed_sabrina: (Default)

[personal profile] signed_sabrina 2020-08-07 10:35 pm (UTC)(link)
Sabrina realizes, by this point, that this is truly one of the most difficult things she's had to do in a very long time-- but she can see that it's working. She wants to know what Rosie's thinking, she needs to know. So she waits, and she listens, and keeps her features schooled and focused.

If there's a relieved exhale when Rosie declares that she wants it, Brina can hardly be blamed. "Okay," she breathes, falling quiet, knowing there's more to this.

The queasy feeling, the one that threatens to tip into guilt, swirls in her stomach at the idea of not doing this right. It's one of the most insidious parts of her, of how she's changed. Rosie's in control though, and there's relief there too, that Rosie knows what she wants and knows how they could get there.

"Okay," she says again. "Yes. We can do that." It just takes her a moment longer to figure out what that might mean. "Like-- we could date, is that what you mean?" Hope shines bright in her eyes, despite how still and tight she holds herself.
signed_sabrina: (All these things.)

[personal profile] signed_sabrina 2020-08-08 10:26 pm (UTC)(link)
How is it, Sabrina wonders from time to time, that Rosie has no idea the power she holds?

It's all very uncomfortable, and she does her best not to squirm or show it, because she's fighting that awful force of guilt inside, that voice that names her as a corruption, proof of what a Satanic influence can do. And of course, it's not that Rosie says she needs to be control the speed of their intimacy that troubles her, but the reason.

No, the idea that Rosie felt as if she couldn't say no, it's the kind of searing pain that makes her feel as if she's floating. Even if she can't summon up much behind it, she's suddenly angry at Nick that she has to face this on her own. She bites her lip, letting herself feel the sharpness of her teeth a counterpoint and a reminder not to protest.

How can Rosie even want her?

She refuses to break under that, and so she glances down, squaring her shoulders to take the brunt of the pain head on, and nods. "Rosie," she says quietly, feeling a fresh bright lash of pain at the remembrance of the phrase my Rosie on her lips, "I have to know that you want this. With all of what you just said, I can't pursue you unless I know that you really, really want that. I'm not saying you don't know this, just that I have to say it. You don't owe me anything. I'll be your friend no matter what. And I'll love you, no matter what. But if you don't want that part with me anymore--" She's been listening, she really has, but after a revelation like that, she needs to know.
signed_sabrina: (No safety or surprise.)

[personal profile] signed_sabrina 2020-08-09 04:11 am (UTC)(link)
Sabrina blinks hard, blinks rapidly to keep the tears back. The touch of Rosie's hand anchors her, when she wants to lean into the intensity of feeling, all of the insecurities waiting to worm their way inside her and take control.

"If you didn't think you could say no," Sabrina whispers, "then how did we ever have your full consent?" It seems this is the sticking point, the idea that there had been some non-consensual element to any time they'd been together. The tips of her fingers touch the back of Rosie's hand, but her face is drained of color.

She pushes a breath out, at that last bit.

"You've only ever had to ask, for anything you want," she confirms, drawing her fingertips away. All of it turns over and over in her mind; she's still reeling from the implication that there had been such a power imbalance, she feels disgusted with herself-- but she can't let it show or else Rosie will think being honest was a mistake. She wants to do what will make Rosie happy, but she's not sure how to begin, and especially not when she's feeling so unsure of herself.
signed_sabrina: (Worried cheerleader.)

[personal profile] signed_sabrina 2020-08-10 05:50 am (UTC)(link)
At that admission, Sabrina takes Rosie's hands in both of hers, determining that this would be okay-- and more, that if Rosie didn't want it, she'd say. "Then," she says, even as she's absolutely aching to pull Rosie into her arms, "then I think something I need is for you to keep telling me, if I've done something wrong, or asking me, if there's something you want. I couldn't live with myself if I was hurting you like that again, whether I meant to or not."

She exhales slowly.

There's an awful feeling that she's not sure how to put into words, or if she should, some combination of the worry of what she is and how she was wrong to let herself be comfortable with it.

"Rosie," she says, quiet, a whisper. "It won't ever be quiet or normal. Normal for this place. Even before we lost Nick, I was scared, and hurting. I can be subdued, I can turn away from it all and let them say what they want, whatever stupid abuse they want to pile on. I would do it for you, for the year. But it won't be me."
signed_sabrina: (Default)

[personal profile] signed_sabrina 2020-08-10 04:19 pm (UTC)(link)
Sabrina blinks hard, her eyes hot and wet. Her hands tug a bit, and then she pauses. "I really want to hug you right now, but I'm asking permission. I kind of think we need it." She gives Rosie a teary smile. "I promise, no funny business."

She realizes she needed to hear that from Rosie, just as Rosie needed to hear the other from her.

"I understand," she says. "I'll try to keep my head on straight, then. You might have figured out it makes me furious for anyone to make you feel badly. I love you and But I'll try not to act in the moment unless I have to, and you can be the one to tell me if we need to do something. Besides, if someone really-- you know Marcus would bring the school down."
signed_sabrina: (Default)

[personal profile] signed_sabrina 2020-08-14 07:08 am (UTC)(link)
Sabrina breathes out her relief, moving into Rosie's arms and wrapping her own around the other girl, breathing in the warm familiar smell of her, shaking a little at the relief that she hasn't ruined it after all.

She doesn't need to say how terrified she was at that prospect, and perhaps for the first time since she'd stared down at a circle of runes in her own blood, she feels like she's breathing easily. "We'll make it through," she agrees. "And I'm gonna date the hell out of you." Her nose crinkles. "You know what I mean."

We won't need to do it on our own.

It's always been one of the hardest things for her to remember, but she's going to try. "You might have to remind me too, but it's better, maybe, to have other people doing things. No matter how often I rush into things without thinking."